Holding On
by jortess
Summary: A women struggles with everyday life in what she thinks is her own personal hell. Several attempts at offing herself failed and backfired. Trying to breath everyday is painful as she longs for 'his' touch and copes with the fact 'he' is never coming back.
1. Preface

PREFACE

It's incredible how one event can change a person. I never gave any thought on how I would survive without _him_, It never crossed my mind that I would have to. After all that was said and done and _he_ was gone, I became everything I never thought I'd be. My body forced me into things,- things I knew that were bad, that in the end I would be punished for.

As the wind whipped around my limp, lifeless body, my Creator stood silently. Perfect in all his glory sending his wrath upon me in in violent waves, spitting fire in every direction over powering me as I burned. Death thundered into me, as my heart made it's last beat, and I inhaled my last breath of this world.

Cast upon me was a endless life of pain, misery, and suffering as I unwilling faltered to the sentence God had chosen for me. I should of known that my actions would have sacrifice, that without _him_ there'd be no Heaven for me, it couldn't exist. Inexcusable as they were, becoming a excessive alcoholic, and attempting suicide on several occasions had it's consequences whether I had succeeded or not.- They where still wrong.

Judgment day had come and I have been condemned to the pits of hell for eternity. It would be nothing compared to the hell I endured while on Earth, the torment I had went through after _he_ was gone, the eccentric events I had put myself through in order to cope with heartache _he_ left behind, even hell had no comparison to that.

The last words I heard sang in beautiful harmony as terror swept through my body "ashes to ashes, dust to dust-" And with that my creator vanished.

Stinging pain swept through every part of me, as the fire took over and my bones began to form into dust. Screaming out in agony as the flames devoured me.

As I closed my eyes trying to escape the wrath that came to destroy me, a Angel appeared pulling me away from the darkness……..

**_**This is my first attempt at writing a story. I don't consider myself a author or claim to be one, however after reading several books I became inspired and determined to write something other than poetry. I have created the preface above in hopes that reviews on it will determine if I continue on with the book. I have several chapters done, but undecided if it is something people will want to read. Please review and let me know your thoughts from anything that could be done better, what you didn't like to if you would want to read more. Thanks :)**_**


	2. Chapter 1 Intoxicate Me

1. Intoxicate Me

I nearly tripped over my feet as I stumbled through the intoxicated crowd. A group of underdressed women, clearly mistaking the bar for a street corner. Stood off to the side laughing at me, as I leaned against a wall to keep my balance.

If my buzz hadn't worn off making me in such a hurry to get it back, I'd be in the right mind to go over and introduce my fist to there faces. Anger came natural to me in the last sixteen months.

Before my life took a horrific turn, I was happy, calm and uninterested in lashing my anger upon complete strangers. It's amazing how one event could effect my life so dramatically, turning me into everything I never thought I would be. Devastation made my mind become hostile, playing tricks on me. It forced my body to do things I know I shouldn't. Bad things, things that in the end I would be punished for. - Which is now what my mind was telling me to do.

My blood began to boil, coming up from my chest and spreading through my entire body. Bolts of adrenaline rush through me as I flashed a warning look of rage in there direction. I clenched my hands that quickly balled themselves into fist as I stood shaking letting the anger extend to every part of my core.

"I can take them!" The darker more vengeful side of my mind yelled in fury. A smiled made its way up to my curling lips as I prepared myself for battle. A battle I so obviously would loose, regardless of what my mind thought.

Four against one, I was out numbered. I would have had a fighting chance if they hadn't outweighed me as well. The four of them could easily take me down, snapping me in half like a twig. Even a clean one on one with the tramps, I'd be at a loss. All one hundred twenty pounds of me, would be no match against a three hundred fifty pound hooker who sat on me. I'd be crushed instantly as the weight cracked every bone I had. I'd suffocate with breaths that were unable to leave my mouth. I could see my obituary now:

_Elyssa M. Douglas_

_Beloved daughter, sister and wife._

_Born June 20, 1980 died a sudden death yesterday. A large unknown women knocked the life out her instantly after sitting on the poor girls body in a ugly bar fight. _

Joshua would have gotten a kick out of that, all the same I'd rather not. Who cared what the scanks laughed at? They clearly were to intoxicated to realize everyone in this room was starring and pointing at them. If they had noticed, they probably thought the attention they were getting was because they were attractive, like they were God's gift to men….

I knew differently, my vision was fine thank you very much. I clearly unwillingly could see every roll that hung around there tight fitting jeans. A few sizes to small if you ask me. A shutter went up my spine as I saw a digesting display of what should be illegal, when they attempted to back that ass up, bobbing it up and down with the music. Thongs in that size should be against the law in ALL states. Indecent exposure came to mind as I turned away and lingered towards the bar. I needed a drink, and after that sight, I'd probably need a stiff one to take the repulsive images away from my now nausea head.

"Orange Dry & Caption, and a shot of that blue shit over there", I said pointing to the far shelf as the bartender eyed me curiously. That should clear my head.

I didn't do shots. Jell-O shots, hell yeah, but straight up shots weren't my style. It was far to easy to get wasted and find myself thrown out before closing time. If I was good for anything, it was just that- being thrown out on my ass, over intoxicated struggling to find my way home.

I learnt after the first several times, not only did shots get me booted out, but also a one way ticket to the drunk tank at the nearest Correctional Facility. Not fun! Especially the next day. When you find yourself wondering if you removed your clothes for a strip search. Strip searches were not procedure for a holding tank, however in my case the guards rather liked pushing my buttons and seemed to enjoy themselves while doing so. At least that's what I accused them of in my drunken state.

I'd limited myself, not in the mood to have lesbian guards groping me tonight. The only intention I have is going home to bed _untouched_.

Before I could hand her a twenty telling her to keep the change, a man reached over me, "It's on me." He said paying for my round. "Tha-anks" I slurred walking away giving him the cold shoulder without a glance. That's how I roll- I don't need some macho man on a ego trip buying me drinks thinking he's go to get lucky. Not this girl. I pay no attention to that bullshit. God gave men hands for a reason, because of girls like me. Even still, I don't argue with someone else paying.

Argument means interaction, having to actually look at the pathetic man trying to pick you up by clearing your bill. I'm good- I simply say thanks, grab my shit and go. It's not my fault they picked the wrong chick to waste money on. There's more than a few trashy women here willing to go home with a man they just met. Willing to wake up in the morning saying "What the fuck," as they realize there good looking stud is now a 40 year old fat man who can't see his dick. - Not me.

"HEY!" was I heard trailing behind me. Give me a fucking break. I'm here to have a good time, _alone_. I don't need the aggravation of someone else trying to get up in my mix. Avoiding him. I lit a cigarette and dragged myself into the women's bathroom to hide out.

It came down to this, hiding out in a restroom full off drunk women either puking or pissing themselves. Men and there fucking buzz kills. Are they really that desperate, that they need to come to a bar to find bitches? My God how sad is that, A wise less inexpensive route would be investing in a pocket pussy if blow up dolls and porn didn't work. Vaseline is pretty cheap and can be found at any convince store- even the ones open 24 hours would have a never ending supply for lonely desperate men. Yet they make there way here, probably dropping a hundred bucks on sad attempts to get laid. What ever happened to going out and getting shit faced all in good fun? Hell, even I have a 'bob' at home if I really need to get myself off.

I came here to drink away my sorrows, to ease the burden left on my shoulders- To deal with my life. I drank myself into a happiness I couldn't have any other way. I came here to escape the real world, instead all I get is men running around like horny dogs trying to hump everything in sight.

Here- I'm a regular. I order the same thing every night. Most of the bartenders knew me and never had to ask. The trick they have working tonight was new, and she will never see me again. This will be the last time I drank,- At this bar. A farewell gift to one of the many places I have called home for over a year. A place I was leaving behind tomorrow like everything else.

Fuck this- I guzzled my drink, flinging open the bathroom door and headed back to the bar. I'm here to enjoy myself and that's exactly what I'm going to do. No man was going to have me hiding out in the bathroom like a schoolgirl avoiding a fight and get the better of me.

If he didn't stop pestering me, my foot would not so gently meet his nuts. I'm sure he'd get the hint as he lay wrapped in a fetal position holding his family jewels, crying out in pain like the sissy he is.

"Orange Dry & Captain." I repeated to the blonde behind the counter holding out a ten spot. Handing me my drink she shook her head back and fourth in a no gesture. "You're all set hon." She smiled. "Okaaaay," confused I put my money away, apparently it wasn't any good here anymore. "The man earlier," She spoke seeing questions on my face. "Has put your drinks on his tab for the night."

Alrighty than- So he was going to play like that was he? If he couldn't take a hint, I'd force it into him directly. He'd be best to stay clear of me, if he knew what was good for him. I'm closed for business, he'd see that- _painfully_. Taking my drink, I wiggled my toes as if to get my foot ready for some serious ass kicking. My buzz returning in full mode, I didn't care if I was going to damage his lively hood. The Bastard would deserve it for fucking up my night.

Twisting my way through men using bad pickup lines and hoes giggling about who was hot and who wasn't, I made my way to the dance floor.

Get Low blared loudly from the DJ's booth vibrating off every speaker in the room. Staggering I watched groups of people dancing as I inched my way to a vacant table. Sitting, drink in hand, I chuckled with a grin.

Even in a drunken state, my vision is normally perfect and my eyes didn't deceive me now. "Shorty got low low low low" banged its way through the crowded dance floor as I watched three bitches drop there hands between there legs. Squatting as if to take a shit, they leaned forward ass in the air bouncing it up and down to the beat.

This was better than the comedy channel. White girls gone black.

As the bass started to rap in a different rhythm, they began rubbing there hands slowly up there legs, much like how a stripper would. Praying to God they weren't going to remove there clothing, they released there hands from there legs and moved them towards there hips. Tucking there fingers slightly into there pants they pulled the fabric of there g-strings as there hips rotated to the left, than to the right. Still moving to the music they leaned back and plunged themselves forward. It looked like they were having seizures.

Hysterical and as amusing as it was, I couldn't watch them anymore. I felt kind of sorry and bad that no one was letting them in on how ridiculous they looked.

Focusing more to the right, A man with a much younger girl, were dancing. He was grinding his genitals against the small of her back. Provokingly she turned her body towards him, allowing him to thrust himself at her mid-section. She traced her hands along his chest, grabbing his hips she dropped below his waist. Biting her lip she began to tease him as her ass shook around him, turning her body yet again. With her ass firmly planted against member, she traced her arms up to his neck, as her lower half begin grinding slowly down his mid-section in ways that you would normally see behind closed doors.

Everyone looked like they were dry fucking. Girls were wedged closely into other girls. Horny men where throwing there junk in humping motions. I never noticed all the sexual tension there was in dancing- _drunk_.

I hadn't danced since……since _him_. Had I looked that retarded too? With that memory, my drink was now empty. To make use of a free tab, I decided to have another.

I don't know where that man went, or where he was hiding. He could have jumped off a cliff for all I cared. He wasn't bothering me anymore, and he didn't seem to be complaining to the bartender about the tab I so nicely rung up for him. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't have to kick him in the balls for him to come correct.- I was looking forward to it.

"Orange Dry & Captain," I said and off I went.

No sooner did I sit back down to watch more pitiful attempts at white folks dancing to hip hop a whisper came from behind me.

A soft, masculine, but not deep, soothing "Hi" came from his lips. It was the same soothing voice that I heard at the bar paying for my drinks. "Not interested, fuck off." I spat without any guilt. "I am paying your tab, you could at least turn around and say Hi. I just want to talk to you, that's all". Sexy as that voice was, even in a pleasantly calm whisper this man was getting on my nerves. "I didn't ask you to pay for shit asshole and I don't talk to strangers especially ones that stalk me in a bar, I'm not interested, So hi, fuck you and bye." Completely satisfied with myself I stiffened my back to give him another cold shoulder. Over Nelly singing "it's getting hot in here," I heard him whisper again, ignoring my bitchy attitude and cocky mouth, " My name is Seth, now we aren't strangers," he chuckled "I can assure you I am not stalking you nor am I a asshole by any means and I wanted to buy your drinks." Very seductive.- Breaking my rule, I spun angrily around facing him for the first time.

Shocked, my mouth dropped. My buzz fully at it's max caught up to me as I realized I had drank far more than my limit, thanks to _Seth's _free booze tab. My head begin spinning as the room danced circles around me at astonishing speeds. Buzz,- Nah. This was pure intoxication.

Embarrassed, I closed my wide open mouth, hoping I wasn't drooling, and put my head between my legs to kiss my ass goodbye. I could feel the heat rising to my face, as I inhaled deeply. I had to remind myself to breath in and than out, in and than out.

" Get a grip Elyssa," my inner voice sang. "He's just a man, a walking, talking, asshole. He's no different than the rest, no need to get your panties up in a bunch about it."

Raising my head very very slowly, I blinked several times to regain some sort of vision, as a calming feeling swept it's may through me. More mind altering tricks no doubt. Even in the blur, the man in front of me looked like a angel. Perfect in everyway. I didn't need sight to notice he glowed a little more than the rest of us.

His eyes were like the blue sky sparkling, sending my heart into a pitter patter. A cold chill went up my back and goose bumps formed over my arms. His eyes were beautiful, familiar. How could that be possible? I've never seen this man before.

Nothing else about him was clear to me. Through the spinning of my head and the tainted vision, I only could make out a few of his features. Blonde, possibly dirty blonde even, light skin but nicely tanned and shiny, like he had baby oil rubbed all over, but not greasy. Defiantly indifferent, like nothing I have ever seen before. Possibly muscular. Squinting as if I had a eyelash stuck I gawked at him in total awe. Broad shoulders, maybe. Only the eyes came to me in perfect vision. They stuck out from his body like a sore thumb. My eyes could be deceiving me in this state, but the blue glistening peering back at me was certain. They drew me into him, as if I were looking into Heaven. Bewildered, I still had the sense that I knew those eyes. Only one pair have ever had this effect on me, yet the man these belonged to, I hadn't known at all.

A crooked smile formed around his lips, as he sat watching my reactions silently. The way he looked at me felt like he searching to find my soul or waiting patiently for me to speak.

"Elyssa," My inner voice returning singing gracefully "snap out of it. Remember everything I've told you. Everything you should be feeling, don't let the memories make you see _him_, This man is not your husband, he isn't coming back no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you want it, This man isn't _him_."

Blinking out of the comma I was now in, I found my voice and began stuttering and slurring,"Tha-ank, thank you for the drinks, but I'm not interested." Amazed at the warmth and calmness to my tone, I truly did hope he understood what I had just said.

Staying as relaxed as my heart would allow, I turned back to face the dance floor. The room picked back up the spinning sensations as strobe lights blinked wildly. Each light at different intervals bounced and reflected into my eyes. I felt sick, nauseas, like I was going in a epileptic shock. I _needed_ to go home.

Lugging myself up from the chair, I braced one hand on the table for support. In standing position, my legs became traders and wobbled from underneath me, knocking me flat on my ass. My head flung backwards hitting something incredibly hard before it reached the floor.

A muffled whisper asked "Are you okay, can you hear me?" Lifting my eyelids halfway as if in a dream, Seth sat beside me with fear in his eyes. His smooth, delicate hand brushed a strand of hair away from my face tucking it back behind my ear.

I tried to speak but failed to get the words up from my chest into my throat. The room began to diminish turning into a black emptiness, Seth slowly vanished from my half opened eyes. I fought desperately, struggling to keep them open. I wanted Seth to reappear, so I could get lost in his eyes. In the end my body had won. My eyelids drifted shut, my last thoughts were, "How am I getting home?" as I slipped away into unconsciousness.


	3. Chapter 2 Beep

2. Beep

_**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! **_The long stretches of beeping echoed through my head sending bolts of pain to my temples. It sounded like the pulsing of my heart was being monitored by a machine in some foreign hospital, where they probably were conducting experiments on unwilling patients. Each beep was aliened perfectly to the thrusting of my heart and the rapping from my head, both in tune with each other sending sharp jabbing pains from head to toe. Unaware of how I got here another set of long continuous beeps sounded out. It wouldn't be much longer until they faded from beeping into a solid flat high pitching scream of my heart stopping and ending my life - That is, if I were dying.

It was chillingly dark, darker than a night without a moon. As the cold shivered it's way up and down my spine, I breathed in gasps of air that stung as it met my lungs.

The beeps slowly faded out into silence as my heart gave it's last beat. Taking my last breath of air I fell into the darkness.

Cold rain hammered down into a windy open field. The crying wind wailed violently hurling specks of rain towards my face. Each drop hitting me with the force of a hundred slaps. Stinging my eyes, and jabbing my cheeks as if they were being sliced open by razor blades. I began to cry.

The storm was coming at me from all directions as violently as it could. I crumbled, falling to my knees in a shallow puddle of water. Trying to shelter my face from the wrath of God, here to punish me of my sins I placed both hands over my eyes not ready to see my creator.

I let out loud burst of screams, as tears flowed between my fingers down into the fire burn of my face.

I wasn't a bad person. I never harmed anything God created. I didn't venture out on murderous killing sprees, rape or commit violent crimes. Profanities were part of my daily vocabulary, as was drinking excessively every night, but I didn't see how that would subject me to the eternal life of Hell I was now sentenced to.

I always thought I had done my best, that I was a good enough person helping the needy, donating to charities and taking whatever life dealt me as well as I possibly could. How ridiculous it seems now as pain arched it's way through every limp I had, burning into me as I was being stretched and torn apart piece by piece and thrown into the pits of Hell. If I had only gone to church, God would have forgiven me.

As I watched each part of me turn to dust, my creator, my father, God stood before me in perfect form. More elegant than one could have ever imagined, and completely indescribable he spoke" Ashes to ashes, dust to dust -"

A sharp unexpected punch pounded into my chest rapidly trying to jump start my heart. Each thrust of pressure stronger and more fierce than the first kept perfect rhythm as my stomach twisted in pain. The recurring thumps banged against the sides of my temples inching there way to my forehead and down to my lifeless core. Gasping for air I watched the fire diminish and smother away. Whips of wind hurled by sending the rain down in a frenzy, dismissing the flames, and the beating of my heart became steady once again.

_**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! **_The screeching sound of the heart monitor roared filling the room with echo's. The strong taste of vomit in my throat burned as I slowly opened my eyes - I was alive.

Waking from my unconsciousness I peered droopily around with swollen eyes. Darkness still filled my blurry vision unable to recognize anything in the room. As I tilted my head to the left, a speck of dimmed bright blue numbers caught my sight. A clock read 4:30 am three feet away.

Another set of beeps made there way to my ears as I rubbed my eyes. At that moment I realized the beeping sounds of the heart monitor was my alarm ringing loudly, screaming for me to wake up. The burning I felt before when I thought God was sending me to hell was vomit coming up from my stomach into my throat and out of mouth, where I presume landed on the floor as smells of old food, alcohol and acid now flared in my nostrils. The rhythm of heart beats rapping the corners of my temples convinced me I not only had a headache but a hangover as well.

Half dazed in the darkness, I also realized why I couldn't see, as if I were blind. The sun hadn't started to shine, it was still asleep with the rest of the world. Although …..I wasn't even positive that it'd grace us with its presence today. Neglecting the television came to my thoughts, I wasn't sure of the last time I had it on. Regardless assuming the sun was going to awake when the rest of the world did was ludicrous. I never knew what the day was going to be until I dragged my lazy ass from bed.

The wind and rain must have been a illusion adding itself to the nightmare I was in. I didn't see God, more importantly he wasn't punishing me and I still had a shot of going to Heaven. My subconscious chuckled asking me if I should start attending church, making a bad joke of my earlier conclusion that I had been sentenced to hell because I didn't attend. Laughing to myself for the ridiculous assessment sent another series of jagged pains to my head. I DID NOT feel like getting up.

_**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! **_Snooze or off, Snooze or off I questioned. Before I could give it anymore thought the beeping stopped, and everything went silent once again. Peace at last, all but the throbbing in every part of my body.

I laid back down intertwined in my feather comforter taking my fingers rubbing a circular motion around my temples in hopes of easing the agonizing pain, deliberating on if I wanted to go back to sleep and take my chances on a revisit to hell.

The warmth of the comforter hugging loosely against me, had me hot enough to fry eggs - well done. The fresh scent of Tide and Bounce lingered around me for which I was grateful. I'd take that any day over the smell of freshly puked vomit chunks. I really didn't have any intentions on moving from my warm comfortable position, and with that -

_**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! **_Oh for fucks sake! The hangover inflicting on me made me more aggravated than usual. I was half persuaded to reach over and throw the fucker against the wall. Secretly wishing it'd shatter into a million pieces and SHUT THE FUCK UP! Deciding it'd take more effort to toss it, I pounded my fist into the mattress before grabbing a pillow and shoving it over my head.

It was a lazy ass attempt to muffle out the noise that ached into my eardrums. Squirming my way back into the middle of a king sized bed I placed my myself diagonally stretching my body. For a person as small as I was, I easily managed to take up the entire bed leaving room for no one else. The sorry fool who tried to lay next to me wouldn't have been able to turn himself over, let alone sleep well.

Readjusting my blanket so I had it completely to myself, wrapped around me tightly now. No one could break my hold, _it was mine _and as far as I was concerned everyone else could fucking freeze to death before I shared. Hogging beds and stealing blankets- I was good at it, it was 'my thing' over the years of endless kicking and tug of wars, I became a pro. Good thing there wasn't anyone worth fighting with me over it - _Not anymore. _

_**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! **_The idea of a feather pillow blocking the noise of a beeping alarm clock set on max quickly became irrational and idiotic. My attempt to be lazy backfired. Big time. Instigating stretches of beeps popped back in unwelcomingly in crystal clear thuds.

Annoyed with my lame attempt to be lazy I wished I had just thrown it. It would have been worth the effort at this point. Flinging the pillow off my head in rage it landed across the room.- Great now I'd have to get up and get it. I could be so stupid at times. Instead of dragging my ass up I rolled over reaching to the edge and smacked the OFF button as hard as I could. For one It wasn't mine, it was irreplaceable belonging to _him_, so destroying it was out of the question, my calmer side getting the better of me. And two: who cared if I went back to Hell anyways, it's not like my trips there are limited. Besides my own life being a personal hell, and I visited routinely every night anyway.

Determined not to start my day and satisfied I didn't break anything -_Yet_, _the day was still young_. I rolled back over and assumed my position. Grabbing my blanket with more force than necessary hoping I didn't damage it, that too was irreplaceable. A gift from _him_ from the last Christmas we spent together. I bunched it up in place of the pillow and rested my head. The smell of vomit made its way in my direction scorching my eyes and nose. Disgusted I pulled the remaining fabric over my head and breathed in the more pleasant scents. Happy with not having anymore interruptions or stank, I filled my mind with cheerful thoughts and closed my eyes, dozing back to the unknown….


	4. Chapter 3 Hangover

3. Hangover

Bright lights beamed off the recently painted lime colored walls of my room, highlighting the nothingness of what was left. A king bed, a night stand, and a basket of my clothes was all that remained here.

Glistening specks spiraled through the naked windows making there presence known. As if done intentionally, they lingered towards my sleepy face. Gradually opening my eyes, the sun at its brightest shot a blinding stream of light into my eye sockets causing me to squint.

_Could this day get any worse?_

Completely awake, I had no other option but to get my lazy ass out of bed. With the daylight vibrantly shining it's face, there would be no way I could fall back asleep.

Rubbing my eyes, I began to inch my way up into a sitting position. Flipping my hair from my unsettled face, I glanced over to the alarm clock.

_SHIT!_

I should have smashed the fucker four hours ago when I had the chance, at least I wouldn't be aware of the time that now read 8:15 am.

Without hesitation, I shifted myself from the middle of the mattress over towards the edge. Moving one foot than the other, I placed them on the floor to stand up. Forcing my limp legs to move unwillingly I headed in the direction of the bathroom.

With my legs being uncooperative wobbling with each step, I was uncertain if I'd make it there in time to pee. At this rate I'd be bound to piss where I was. Had I gotten up this morning when I was so rudely awaken, I wouldn't be in this predicament. You got to pee, you got to pee and that's that.

_Unless your me, and decide you're far to lazy to move when your body tells you it's time. _

Half the time I ignore my bodies warnings and go back to sleep, waking up in a puddle of piss. Of course this only happens when I'm wasted unable to move if I wanted to, which has been almost every night for the last year or so. Once I attempted to get up and do as my body asked, only to find myself on the floor a foot away from my bed. After waking up with a broken nose and fat lip, I decided I needed to do one of two things. First being to drink less or the second being not to remove myself from the bed. Since drinking less wasn't going to happen, I opted for my second option, to stay in bed. If I pissed myself, than I pissed myself. With that decision, I bought a bedcover for the mattress.

Shuffling my stubborn feet into the bathroom, I hit the medicine cabinet for aspirin. Swallowing them down hardly, hoping to take the edge off my hangover or at least the headache. I reached the toilet just in time, squatting to pee, I wondered:

_How the hell did I get home?_

The queasiness of my stomach reminded me that I surely did not drive my way back, and the bump on the back of my head told me I fainted or blacked out hitting something excruciatingly hard, yet I was here, in my bathroom, home. _Weird._

My ears buzzed, my vision was blurred to some extent, _or_ the sun was successful in my blinding me, in it's attempt to make sure I was fully awake. My headed……my head pounded with pain. I could feel every heartbeat pulsing against my forehead. Each beat my heart gave off was more excruciating than the first, as it rapped upside my head reminding me of last nights actions in anger. Every pulse made my blurry eyes jump. It felt like I had taken a sledgehammer and gave myself a good knock upside my head.

The headache sucked and this was by far the worst hangover I have ever had, yet it weighed nothing against the emptiness I suffered on a daily basis. Every breath I took was like a gulp of fire, burning it's way down to my throat scorching my lungs. My insides were twisting, falling apart, like rubber banding a dogs balls and watching it painfully end there dog hood.

Evidently even alcohol couldn't dwell out the pain. All it seemed to do was invite itself in without care and add to my problems.

_Mental note to self: Don't drink excessively again._

I had gotten so use of using alcohol as a answer, a way to endure my misery and abandonment that I hadn't come to the conclusion it wouldn't take my empty heart away, nor would it restore it. It just made me not give a fuck about anything including myself. After the effects of it wore off, I was right back to square one again. Only now do I realize the lack of power I have, the lack of determination and the hold alcohol had on me. It was all fun and games until I woke up obvious.

_I still had a heart, beating, empty, scared and alone. Damaged as it was, it was still there inside of me, holding on. Never letting go, aching in pain, crying for him_. _That's all that was left of me, the beating heart that beats for him, holding on._

The persistent tearing and ripping of it, slashing my insides into a bleeding hole, holds onto to _him_. A vacant heart beating in pain, shredding it piece by piece, tormenting me, refusing to let _him _go. In a instant it completely drained of love, happiness and life, leaving nothing but a empty black hole. It wasn't my heart beating inside of me, it was the nothingness _he_ left. When _he_ took my heart with him, _he _took everything. Draining me of life, replacing happiness with sorrow, taking my love and turning it into hatred. _He_ left nothing but memories I couldn't wash away. _He_ left me holding on.

Dr. Wolfe told me it gets easier, that it gets better as time goes by. Time healed all wounds and the human body was capable of molding itself back together, not it wouldn't last forever, that it'd go away.

It's been one year, three months, sixteen days, five hours and thirty two seconds since the day my happy fairy tale ended.

_It __has not__ gotten better._

I never grasped why people paid a hundred dollars an hour for someone to tell you pretty much what you wanted to hear. _It gets better,_ blah blah blah. _He_ always said they were a waste of money, that people needed to deal with themselves. That it was only in your mind, and head problems were something your brain fabricated you into believing. Depression and bi-polar weren't real, that shrinks made these things up to diagnose you, making you believe there was something wrong so they could profit from your stupidity. To _him_, it was all psycho babble bullshit.

So I was surprised when I found myself in Dr. Wolfe's office, were I wasted so much time and money. Dr. Wolfe was a overly large middle aged man. He was also a ass wipe. I'm almost certain he couldn't fully figure out his dick from his asshole, let alone which was for shitting and which was for his right hand enjoyment. He offered very little comfort with his pathetic attempts at easing my pain.

_One day at a time, it'll get better. _

Over rated words that I could have told myself for free. Shit I could have googled wisdom and inspiration for less of a price if I wasn't so lazy. So I dedicated myself to his office twice a week for thirteen months, letting him do all the hard work.-

_Like it was that difficult to drum your keys on a keyboard, looking for shit to say._

Dr. Wolfe had been my only interaction with people other than my family and the few jerk offs at the bar who I so clearly told to fuck off time and time again. There had been nothing appealing about the doctor. I didn't like him and he smelled of aged musty cigars, or shit. He more than likely had stains in his underwear for all I knew, yet I still threw money at him like it was going out of style.

Maybe I was there to make him feel better. He after all must have some self confidence issues.

Dr. Wolfe took pleasure in my company, more than I enjoyed his. I could at least lay there without getting a hard on, not that I could to begin with but I wouldn't be contemplating about it either. All I wanted to do was heave at his very presence with disgust. The look of him with his pudgy pink cheeks, beady brown eyes and skin pigmentation was enough to make anyone gag. If you have heard the expression only a face a mother could love, it applied to Dr. Wolfe.

At my visits Dr. Wolfe had always complimented me on how smart I was, and what I could be doing with my life if I put down my guard and allowed others in. He overused the statement, you're a beautiful girl. You could almost see drool dripping down the corners of his mouth as he spoke. More repulsively you couldn't help but notice the small bulge in his pants.

_I'm sure most women would refer to it as a inch worm, but to Dr. Wolfe it was probably referred to as a penis._

Either way, I didn't know his genitals size nor did I care to find out. I began focusing my attention on numerous wall hangings throughout his office instead.

The more intelligent side of me saw Dr. Wolfe as someone trying to help. That _I was _someone in need and it was his job to patch me up and make me feel better. Naturally my caring side, that didn't show up much wanted to say the same thing back to him. He was someone not only in need of a serious makeover, but a ego boost as well. _It must be hard walking around with a penis that small, _but why lie? Lying doesn't help anyone, and to the best of my knowledge to get help you had to be truthful. I'm pretty positive Dr. Wolfe would know I had been lying if I said he was beautiful and started foaming at the mouth. He'd probably send me back to the nut house and have my vaccinations updated with a series of rabies shots.

Truth is, I didn't think he was beautiful, and I wasn't going to lie. Hell, I didn't think he was smart. The glossy name plate sitting on his over priced desk meant absolutely shit to me. Even reading Dr. Lucas A. WolfeI disagreed_. _His full name would entail he was intelligent, but being me I always begged to differ, any professional who could display his emotions by popping a bonner in the middle of a session was not very bright. On the other hand, anyone who could persuade another person_ it gets better _for a hundred an hour had some common sense. _OR was a tremendously great con, who became Bubba's bitch getting ass raped in a shithole state prison. _Either way I wasn't buying the intelligent thing.

My last visit with Dr. Wolfe, I had take the liberty of sitting in a dark chocolate colored leather chair, upright, legs crossed. My normal proceedings were to lay on a matching couch chest up. Both pieces of furniture stunk like the previous client was some sort of dirty whore looking to find herself. A smart doctor would have told her to find God. My doctor would have said, you've come to the right place and adjusted his nuts. The leftover stench of cheap perfume had burned my nostrils.

Dr. Wolfe wasn't impressed by my judgment of his previous client, or the theory that his office not only smelt like old musky cigars but fish gone bad as well. I had recommended gasoline for the leather and offered him my lighter. He was pissed, and furiously declined my proposal of setting his shit on fire.

I was a douche bag, I knew it, he knew it, no one cared. He insisted that I wasn't ready. That at this moment in my life I still required his services.

I hadn't tried to off myself in over three months, he'd get over. I saw no problem with terminating his services, they were no longer required. I'm sure the Doc just wanted more time to repeat his useless words and to build his wallet back up.

Against his professional opinion and his wishes, I wrote a check for our last session and provided him with my medical doctors phone number. In a puzzled look he just stared at me. I had explained to him in dummy terms that the number was so he could get checked for STD's. That crabs do jump. I even offered to draw it out if he didn't understand. I was really excited about illustrating crabs jumping from the filthy whore over to him, I was bummed when he said that wouldn't be necessary with no humor at all.

His last words to me where. "Elyssa, Remember that sometimes you need to smile, when life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show it a thousand reasons to smile. Life will go on no matter how bad the storm, it will only stop when you give up. Without struggle Elyssa, there is no progress and in everything, there is nothing."

Smiling I had simply put "If you continue to use search engines to get your words of wisdom, you'll end up with carpool tunnel and not be able to jerk yourself off later."

_I know I saw that same phrase on my friends my space page._

A quick laugh and I was out the door, heading towards fresh air, skipping down two flights of stairs to the front door. Where freedom waited for me.

Every part of this house were constant reminders. Reminders of my past, reminders of him sitting on my doorstep waiting to vengefully to let itself in. It's not fair, but the one thing I learned was, life wasn't fair. If it were, he'd be here with me. I bickered with myself daily on this, always losing. Giving up on it, I headed towards the shower located in the master bath.

The bath was beauty beyond imagination. Looking at it was as soothing as drinking a ice cold beer putting out the fire in your mouth. It had been one of my favorite rooms in the past, now it only adds to the pain of what was left to me. For the most part, I brought it on myself. I didn't feel like walking down the hall to the other bathroom. That bath was separated by two add ional bedrooms. Bedrooms meant for our children, the children I found out later, I'd never be able to conceive. I'd never have the joy of being a mother. The best part him interlaced me with me. Not even something as simple as that was left behind. Using that bathroom, walking to that wing of this house would have been more excruciating than any else in my world.

My bathroom had been completely remolded to my liking, everything had always been to my specifications, to what I wanted and nothing less. It had always been my way, what I wanted, I always got.

His and her sinks lined the far wall with length size mirrors over each. Matching lights illuminated the room and made it feel like springtime in the dead of winter. A Jacuzzi tub sat snuggled in the corner. Burnt down candles still sat along the edges, never thrown away. I never removed them from there awkward state, they remained as they were from the last time we had shared the unneeded tub, that I so desperately had to have. - Just because I could. I never set foot in it again after that night.

My watery eyes scanned the sandy colored walls until they fell back to the slate tiled floor. This was the last time I'd see this room. The last time I stood here, the very last time I would use this shower.

Stepping into the shower, I reached for my dial to ignite the spa showerhead in my corner. The shower consisted of his and her nozzles, as everything was his and hers. Perfectly aliened, perfectly in touch with all the bathroom had to offer. The steam ascended up the slate shower walls, resting little drops, like rain falling on a leaf, it beaded itself to the tile. Everything had been left the same exact way it was before. Minus his belongings, it looked empty. Empty shower, empty heart, empty followed me.

Pressure built up in the corner of my temples, as my mind reacted to my emotions. To drive the craziness away before I became delusional, I hit track 2 on the shower stereo. Pleasant sounds of Willie Nelson entered the room and I began singing along.

"Maybe I didn't love you quite as good as I could have, and maybe I didn't treat you quite as good as I should have. If I made you feel second best, Girl I'm sorry I was blind. You were always on my mind, you were always on my mind. And maybe I didn't hold you all those lonely, lonely times and I guess I never told you, I'm so happy you are mine………"

Tears dropped one by one down my face as the shower washed them away. This is not a song I normally would have known, or listened to, but I knew every word by heart able to sing them in tune without missing a beat. Had he not dedicated it to me on our fifth anniversary, I would be unfamiliar not only to the voice, but to the lyrics as well. Even though I wasn't a big country fan, I played this song daily since the first day he was gone. The words as they came from my lips, were pointless now.

Willie's voice withered as the song ended. Loud thuds of bass forced itself from the little speaker, as my music began to rap. First Tech n9ne, followed by Sean Paul, Eminem and than ending with 50 Cent as I hit off the off button.

Turning the dial until the water stopped, I stepped out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my drenched body, Dragging my ass to reach to the door, I placed one hand on the knob, glancing back to view my bathroom one last time before I pulled it shut, closing another chapter in my life.


	5. Chapter 4 Just another day

4. Just another Day

Just another day. Thoughts roamed wild and free in my mind as I entered my bedroom. Just another day they said.

_Yeah Okay-_

It's just another day, another day of heartache that I didn't want. Just another day I didn't want to live never mind wake up to. It was always the same, always just another day that I would drag my lifeless ass around, like I have done every morning for over sixteen months.

_Just another day, no big deal, what's a little more pain, a little more tears, a little more piece of my heart ripped and taken away?_

I fumbled my way to the laundry basket sitting outside the closet doors, as my head continued bashing out my memories, repeating itself over and over, drilling it into my head that it was just another day, letting my heart burn and lash out in pain at every word it said.

It _was_ just another day, a day when memories were vivid as if it were only yesterday _he_ had his arms around me, as if it were only yesterday _he_ held me, loved me, and completed my life. Flashbacks hit just as hard, just as fresh, and came just have painful like any other day.

_He_ wasn't here. Everyday when I opened my eyes, _he_ would still be gone leaving me in a empty house alone. The same empty bed sat ten feet away where I would never roll over to cuddle him or make love to him again. Nights became colder, more terrifying without him.

Everything we shared would never be again. I'd always be without him, only able to hold on to the memories. It was just another day, that I would fight against the pain, hold back tears and pretend that I could live without him.

Another day misery would find me. Misery found it's way to me like fly's found shit. It takes everything I have to keep it together, to keep from the edge of sinking.

Why do I torment myself? Thoughts and memories of the past, but never do I see any future. They haunt me, disturb me, and force there way through me until I hurt myself. They appear in my nightmares, the stalk me in my days. There is no escape for me.

I am unable to keep a grip on them, to lock them in the back of my mind. I can't ignore them, letting myself out of this hell they put me in. It was impossible for me to shut them out, to hide never able to get away. They were always here.

_Here- Kicking me in the ass._

They could have faded, died down by now- If I hadn't let them over power me and take control. This place, it kept them alive, tormenting me of what I'll never have. The future I still dreamed about and wanted was gone from me now, the only future they left for me, I was living- Hell.

Even in hell, I was doing a shitty job, but all the same I have allowed them to haunt me. They kept me living able to hold onto him. Agony is what has kept my empty heart beating, hurting, hungry for him. Misery was the only way I could remember him, and I wasn't ready to let him go.

_No matter how much heartache it brought to me._

If this was the only way I could have him, I'd endure it, suffering willingly to the consequences, as long as I had some part of him with me, I was able to hold on.

_That was one month ago, today was not just another day._

After several unsuccessful suicide attempts. Excessive drinking, and drowning in my own tears, I decided that this lifestyle was hurting me more than helping. I was going to _have_ to move on. It would wound me more than a stab to the heart, but I knew that _he_ wouldn't have wanted this for me. That will every ounce of love _he_ had given, and taken with him, _he_ would have wanted me to let go, not to hold on.

I was going as far away from here as possible. Leaving what I could behind, taking myself from this prison that has shut me out from the world, from life. Here I could only feel the stinging pain he left for me.

As I leaned down to toss through the unpacked clothes in search for a pair of pants, a dainty, masculine scent breezed into me. It hit my nostrils like fire burning up the sides of a abandoned building. Inhaling the scent and swallowing it down to my lungs, felt much like smoke consuming the building before firefighters could extinguish it. My heart faltered and I knew it was his. Although I couldn't quite comprehend how the scent got it.

Julie came by almost three months ago and removed all his belongings from the house. It was a constant battle for me to have to see them. I became more than I could handle setting off my suicidal tendency's. I figured if they weren't here anymore, I would be able to cope better. Well that didn't happen. The pain was slightly eased by not physically having them in view, but the emptiness became more severe as all I could do was remember each spot where his stuff sat. It could _never_ be a win, win for me, it wasn't in my mentality to allow myself a break.

Slowly, carefully I opened the closet doors, afraid of what _or _who may be inside. Slightly peeping my head in, I caught a glimpse of drawers and shelving. Of course this triggered me off, _he_ flashed back into my memory, as _he_ always did. Trigger me off only because it made me remember when he had spent weeks remodeling it for me. Everything I wanted, he gave to me willing, without question or complaint. Because he loved me unconditionally and wanted me to be happy, I became spoiled.

Convinced nothing was going to get me, I brought my finger up to hit the light switch, when something caught the corner of my eye. Even without the light on I could tell what it was, and it didn't belong to me. One lone shirt, tucked in the corner laid smoothly over a shoe rack abandoned.

Forgetting about the light switch I reached into the unknown, uncertain if someone would jump out and scream BOO! I hated the dark, scared to death of it, and hated going it alone. Scared, I bent down shaking, pushing my hand towards the fabric and grabbed it before something could suck me in. I shot up so quickly I nearly fall backwards on my ass.-

_What a surprise, me falling on my ass, like that didn't ever happen._

Between my fingers I held the shirt that caused all this commotion. The faded scent of it became stronger as I moved it closer to my face. Waves crashing violently against a distant shore is the only way to describe the feeling that was now racing through me. The scent coming into me as if he were standing right next to me this very instant. Taking deep uneven breaths, I inhaled into the last bit of clothing left behind. Searching out every detail of it as the scent traced down into my throat. The bittersweet scent, not of cologne, not of honey, but more like old spice lurched into my lungs. It defiantly was his, just the way I remembered it.

Before my conscience could tell me to stay calm, tears welded up, my heart started pitter pattering a series of beats pounding so powerfully, it wouldn't have surprised me if it came right out of chest. At that moment all my senses kicked into full gear at top notch rate. Emotion winning, over powering them all. A vote my body took and I lost. Emotion always beat me and always got the better of me. Emotion is undefeatable.

Tears erupted sending cold drops along my cheeks, dripping down past my tightly closed mouth and cradling themselves against my neck. Of all I tears I shed over this man, I thought it'd be impossible to have any left. Over the last several months I could have cried a river and named it after him, yet the body never left me empty handed, never left me without, always providing for me what it thought needed most. A never ending supply of salty water, also known as tears.

Wiping the sting away from my swollen eyes, I tried to regain some vision back . The shirt displayed his hillbilly style. Style was something he lacked greatly. The hours I spent trying to convince him of this were numerous, he insisted that any shirt having Marlyn Monroe displayed on it, was style.

_Yeah if you're a redneck._

It was who he was and I now held his favorite dark brown shirt sporting a old fifty's Chevy with everyman's favorite icon staring back at me. It had become a bit worn, but it wasn't bad even for all the years of dedicated use he gave it. It didn't show any signs of being ripped or torn, just creases from where it had been folded, collecting dust. All in all, it was in fairly good condition.

At this point my anger over swept the cry baby in me. I was fucking pissed, and in the right mind to call Julie up and tell her just how I felt too. I was ready to pitch a bitch fit.

Why? Why did she leave this behind, she knew what it'd do to me, she fucking knew how I would react. Shoving it in the corner of a closet was ridiculous, like I was never going to open the doors to it again. What the fuck! How frigging hard is it to pack _EVERYTHING_ up that wasn't mine? The process didn't seem that difficult to me, yet Julie couldn't manage it. Being bi-polar had it's advantages, I could easily call her and be a asshole and not feel bad about it. It also meant I could blame being a asshole on the illness and get away with it free and clear. Both being a plus in my book.

I Debated with myself if I wanted to let her off the hook or if I wanted to fuck up her day. I _did _want to make her miserable, I _wanted_ to ruin her day because she just ruined mine, BUT I didn't feel like walking to the kitchen to get the phone. Fucking up her day, just didn't seem like a good enough reason to put a effort into walking. So with a second thought, I decided not to subject his mother to anymore of my outlandish bullshit.

_At least not today anyway._

I'm sure she would be less than thrilled to hear my 'I don't give a shit' attitude as I ripped her a new asshole.

_A short thought- it would make my day however, just to yell at someone._

Since Julie couldn't do her job right, not that it was all that fucking difficult, I would now just go about my day fuming. Enduring my bleeding heart, now that she unleashed the pain.

I pulled the shirt over my head, carefully tucking my arms through the sleeves. After Julies fucking stupidity no more harm to make its way to me today, so why not just wear it? Besides I just saved myself five minutes of screaming at nobody looking for my own damn shirt, and this shirt happened to be extremely comfortable. I had forgotten how comfortable it was in his clothing, maybe if I bummed around in it long enough reality would kick me in the teeth. Than again maybe not, and this could just be me putting my foot up my ass.

Satisfied with my decision to wear the shirt, I went to close the doors, but stopped abruptly standing there down founded and looking guilty. I literally gawked at a dim reflection smiling from the closet mirror. Me.

Trying to figure out why the fuck I was smiling, when I had nothing to smile about, I hit the light switch. I clearly was sniffling tears back through swollen red eyes. I doubt I was smiling from the dampness that leaked out, but I was indeed smiling.

_I'm sure my mind will let me in the secret in a minute, when I least expect it, because I really am fucked in the head._

Large purple bags hung under my eyelids, maintaining a permanent residence. I wasn't aware that I was leasing to them. That wouldn't really be a great reason to smile and they would be evicted immediately. That wasn't my reason for smiling, so I looked deeper at my image.

Endless nights of sleep, and excessive alcohol use were livid on my face, any dumb ass would see that. Possibly a reason to smile- _had I been drinking_. Nope not it. Specks of freckles spread across my rosy red cheeks, more than enough to play connect the dots with, but defiantly not something to smile at. It appears my cover up went MIA or I just failed to put it on.

_That was a little more likely, considering I have never known cover up to grow legs and walk way._

I'm still not finding a reason for my reflection to be smiling.

My bright green eyes lurked out at me as if the answer were right there. They too seemed to be smiling at my expense. The only thing right in front of my face was the fact I looked like shit. Shit freshly pushed out, package in a brown paper bag and tossed at someone's door. Sick joke, if you ask me, I could have been smiling because at least I didn't look like someone had stepped on the bag of shit first.

_Oh that's real convincing_, _everyone should just go around smiling because look like shit that hadn't been smeared, you moron._

These voices in my head have become quite the pain in my ass. I'm standing here only in a t-shirt trying to figure out why I'm smiling, and all they can say are insults and smart ass remarks. It would be more beneficial if they told me or just shut the fuck up.

My dark brown hair was still wet.

_Because you are a lazy bitch Elyssa………. SHUT UP already! _

My hair was wet because I have been to lazy to blow dry it. As it started to curl, frizz decided to join in and accompany the look. It's neighbor split ends, lurched themselves in a upward manner to also make themselves known. It was evident that I hadn't taken care of myself as well as I should have in the last sixteen months.

_Ladies and gentleman, we have a rocket scientist in the room. NASA better watch out for you Elyssa, you may get the curler out._

Talking to myself probably is a good sign I am going crazy, Honestly, I don't care. I have lost all interest in how I presented myself and truthfully……I didn't care. I had no one to impress, no one to dress up for, no one who cared if I looked decent. A quick grab of the hair, twist and bun suited me just fine. I had avoided mirrors, always afraid of what I would see looking back at me.

_You avoided mirrors so you didn't have to take care of yourself, it's your own fault you know, don't blame us. We told you, and you told us to shut up. You were bound to open these doors before you left, you knew what you would see, stop trying to make everyone feel bad for you Elyssa. Why don't you take a good long hard look at yourself, you have no other choice, we won't let you shut the doors_.

The yelling wasn't going to stop, so I looked harder, just as annoying voices told me to. I could see everything that was wrong. Everything that I had feared, stood there looking back at me, my hands unable to shut the door and block the image away, just like my mind had said.

Besides the obvious color of my skin, in much need of sunlight, my eyebrows also needed a date with the tweezers. They needed to be shaped and trimmed, looking more like bushes that belonged outside rather than on my face.

Shame couldn't help but visit. How could I let myself look so appalling, to fall apart like this?

_I thought you wanted to know why you were smiling? You're confusing us! Have another drink you lush._

Mental note to self: Take better care of yourself, and voices go to hell.

Than it hit, clearly confused about it I couldn't determine if I was smiling because his shirt draped over my body looked more like a redneck wedding dress, as excess fabric hung off me. OR. Because my mind just surprised me with a figment of my imagination, that they saw before I did. _Yup, I'm a little slow._

I'll go with the figment for 300. I was smiling not at myself, I was smiling at him. All six foot one of him stepping out my mind into full view. The top of my head barely touched his shoulders. I use to have to stand on my tippey toes to kiss him, even than he had to lean down towards me in order for our lips to meet. His blue eyes sparkled, like the sun glistening of diamonds. His eyes were so beautiful, it was hard to look away. They never dulled, once you got caught up, there was no escape. He had eyes of entrapment that locked you in. The could ease all your pain away as you got lost in a daydream just by looking at that. Eyes of a angel.

His silky brown hair was still cropped short, he still wore a old Budweiser cap that covered a spot where he started to go bald. He'd worn his cap, not because he cared about loosing hair, but because it was a everyday must have ,that fitted his hillbilly style to a T. A go-tee still danced around his smile, groomed, taken care of. I would be forever grateful that he had no intentions on a ZZ Top beard. I didn't marry me a mountain man. I enjoyed his go-tee just as it was. Dark, tinted with red, and a few strands of white added color to it. Never long, never pricked my face, always just right, just so. All in all, he was a good looking man.

He had been the only image I tried to keep away. Tried to lock up, and not see everyday. This was the reason I drank every night, alcohol had been my friend, not only did it keep the image of his face out, it kicked the shit out of the voices as well. My hangovers are different from everyone else's, mine aren't from alcohol, mine are from the bastards beating me back. A war zone in my head. Had they had there way, I'd be a door knob giving everyone a turn. Luckily I had more caring voice that showed up from time to time, she knew best when to stay away, but she also new best when to redirect me. She also knew the not so caring angry, sarcastic voices were mean little pricks, they constantly tormented her, making her black out so she couldn't talk to me. Sort of like now. The little shits were chuckling, laughing, enjoying themselves like it was the fucking super bowl, and they let his image slip.

His imaged gazed at me. Smiling, so my heart smiled back. He was everything I remembered, every reason to breath. I breath I took, was for him, every step I had taken, I'd taken to be next to him. He was my whole reason to live, because without him, I had no reason. He was everything, I never was. Everything I couldn't be and I had been lost until he found me. He completed me, he was my there half that made me whole. Without him, I'm only half of who I'm suppose to be. He was my soul mate, the proof that your one true love does exist, that when you find each other, a mark is left on your heart like a tattoo you can't erase, and he stood less than a foot away from me.

With the voices now quiet, letting me have my moment, I went to reach for him, to hold him, to love him once again. As I reached to take his hand, he vanished instantly and loud rumbles echoed through my head. Anger versus happiness fighting to the end. Fighting over which emotion to give me.

I wasn't long before I found myself in the corner were he stood, curled up into a ball weeping. Sobbing as I ignored everything around and in me. I started to quiver, to tremble and scarcely breath. I wanted to scream for him to come back, to stay with me.

I knew which side was winning, I knew the direction they were sending me as gasp of air filled my lungs, trying to breath past the violent pain of my tears. The shaking became more violent, as my head pounded with anger. I was unable to control myself as everything in me began exploding.

Unable to handle the pain, as the little pricks kicked and wailed the shit out of me, I fainted.

_Just another day…._


	6. Chapter 5 Pieces of Heaven

5. Pieces of Heaven

_My mind could not do him justice, any fool would have known that._

The fog was thick, as I eased my way forward, it gradually became less and started to disappear altogether. My legs felt heavy, and something bulky flung down and around me, what ever I was wearing was extremely long. Still walking, the fog was now just a mist and my feet were killing me. I hadn't walked far, but they hurt something fierce.

Unable to see beneath my bulky, long clothing I could defiantly feel. Was I wearing heels? Felt like at least four inches, why on earth did I need a heel in that size? There is only one reason that I'd need to add inches to my short height.

I didn't wear dresses, which as it seems is what I'm in. Add heels to that equation and you have yourself a catastrophe waiting to happen.

_A sick joke on my mind's part, no doubt. No one but the voices would find this humoring._

I wore a dress once, and only once. Which happened to be on my wedding day. I never wore heels, not to this extent unless it was to attend a function with him. Only than did I wear them with pants, to appear taller by his side, it never worked out for me. I was always short next to his tall figure. Heels couldn't make up the difference between us.

_Apparently, my mind thought it'd be fun to watch me fall flat on my face today. They seriously are twisted, only they could laugh at someone else's hurt…..my hurt. Pathetic._

The sun making it's break through the mist, allowed some of my vision to be left unclouded. I could see light up ahead, bouncing off everything it touched_. _Trees came into view with each step I had taken. There unfolded leaves, had no hint of death. _I wasn't hell. _They were fully in season, with deep green shadows merged between there branches. Some looked like birch, others maple. A scanty few more probably oak and pine. They all stood at there peak, glorious in the beautiful light.

Flowers blossomed nearby. Contagious to there own growth they spread far and wide. Fresh aroma of lilacs, mulberry, and dandelions filled what I presume is the springtime air. Hummingbirds were humming, Blue jay's flew under the blue sky as woodpeckers pecked. All the little creatures seemed happy and content. Sounds of water flowing over rocks and I could hear voices off in the distance. I didn't see anyone, so I proceeded in the direction of where the voices came from, hoping they weren't mine.

Cheerfully, I strolled along taking pleasure in the wonderful day. A man walking his dog, went past me. He seemed yet a simple man, average height, dark skinned, groomed. A lawyer or business man of some sort. The dog was overly hyper, pulling and tugging at his owner. The gorgeous pit-bull couldn't have been more than six months old. The little white and tan dog waged his tail with enjoyment as his owner offered him treats for being such a good boy. When he reached to where I was, he said "Beautiful Day." Smiling I agreed, "Beautiful day indeed."

Letting my feet follow the graveled path, I saw another man, positioned off to the side. He was tall, his dark auburn hair was freshly cut, cleaned shaved, dressed in black slacks, a white button up shirt and had tie loosely around his neck. Quite a outfit, even for a day such as beautiful as this.

Venturing closer, I could see he was staring directly at me, with his green eyes broad and pleased. How odd was it that I knew this man?

"Josh? Wha-," interrupting before I could finish, he shifted his long legs forward gently grabbing my arm. _What was he doing here, and looking like that? _Tugging me along he smirked "Are you ready? You look beautiful you know."

Okaaaaaay, I was startled, and bewildered. Joshua never said nice things to me without being a sarcastic dink about it. Of course I had no fucking clue what he was talking about. Leering me towards a stone manmade bridge, I knew exactly where I was. I knew this bridge.

It was my favorite place to go. From it you could see the cars drive up and down Washington St, or you could look at some aged history from the town in which I lived. At the first entrance way was a old waiting station from 1950. It was worn down, beat and not maintained anymore. People just used it now to stay out of unexpected rain. Living here, that could happen at any given time without notice. Still, I had admired it for it's history, everything else had been destroyed and wiped away to make room for townhouses and office buildings. Only this one bit of history remained here. I was at the park.

The only way to cross to the other sied from here, was the bridge. Streams of water flowed beneath it, making it impossible to pass over without it's use. Trees gave it continuous shade, which was always helpful in the hot summers here. Benches rested among a variety of colorful bushes that formed spectacular yellow flowers.

Coming here always relaxed me, gave me a sense of being, and aloud me to free my mind. The bridge sat at the furthest point of the park, away from everything.

To the far left, was a massive Monkey Around Playground. Two thousand volunteer's and business' built it in the nineties. They wanted the children to have a safe place to play. Great concept except, they built it next to a basket ball court. The problem with that was, It was always full of grown men playing street ball. When I say street ball, it means regularly fighting with each other over who fouled who. Breaking out normally in fist fights and long streams of profanity. Why they built the playground next to that contraption beats me. I never understood it.

A pond was situated in the middle left of the park before you entered the playground. Here young children excitedly threw in cereal and bread crumbs to the ducks and geese swimming. A hundred or so lined up for food on a daily basis. After they quickly snatched up there meal they swim back to the center of the pond where the fountain sprouted out water. My childhood winters, Joshua, Jackson and I came ice skating here.

A enchanting garden waiting for snow white to show her pale face and ruby red lips. This part of the park was really something you'd imagine in a fairy tale. A piece of paradise if you will. I always thought the path that lead you to the bridge and around the park, would lead me to the gates of Heaven. This place was phenomenal.

Soft, low music sounded out up head. Continuing our little journey, the closer we came, the more detailed it was. What appeared before was picture perfect, not uncommon to say the least. This was a great location for functions. On the days the bridge wasn't in use, free for everyone to enjoy. It sat alone. Only the flowers and animals that belonged in nature surrounded it. When the bridge was rented out, you would usually find it dolled up and out of place. Today, it looked like neither.

It was extremely dressed up, but it fit in. White flowers swung down the sides flowing gracefully around the creases, bringing out the defined texture around the stone. Miniature pink flowers laid around the bottom, stretching out towards the pathway. Scattered rose petals let the way flawlessly, illuminating the colors of dirt and small pebbles. I've never seen the ground look so amazing.

To the right of me, tall extended stands help white vanilla scented candles. Row after row of tiny flames sent warmth through the atmosphere adding more light than it needed. To the left, there were more candles. Vibrantly shining they set a tone that was unbelievably soothing, relaxing and extravagant as vanilla musk filled the air.

As the sun began to set, tress and bushes laced with white dazzling lights became noticeable. A spectacular, timeless, one of a kind romantic setting was now before me. I couldn't imagine what Josh was doing here, or why I would be here. It was typical for Josh to crash someone else's happiness all in good fun, but he wouldn't have dressed up to do so, nor would he have told me I was beautiful. This could only mean I was meant to be here, but why?

My voices were not kind enough to give me this pleasure, to let my mind think that all is wonderful and happy again. I certainly could not be dreaming.

A small girl, slightly taller than myself stood holding a lilac bouquet at the end of the candle arrangement. Her honey blonde hair was braided very tightly and placed very carefully on top of her head. Her dress was long, the deep purple fabric clung to the shape of her figure, highlighting her hips and thighs before plummeting down to the ground. The dress she wore, would be one that you'd see at a prom. She was beautifully elegant. The closer we became to her the more I could see, she was smiling. Smiling at me. I recognized her face. Deep brown eyes, freckle specks but nowhere near as many as mine. Her's were faint, light, barely there at all, the piercing of her nose was more visible than her freckles. Her flawless face was perfect.

"Brenna! Oh my God! Brenna!" Screeching with joy at my little sister, I practically fall over and would have if Josh had not caught me in time. "You look incredible, and your hair! What brings you here all dressed up?" I hadn't seen my sister in a few months and up until now I had forgotten how absolutely beautiful she really was. Without a word, she just smiled her crest white strip smile.

Joshua tugged my arm, and paced forward to the opening of the bridge. Lyrics were playing from a CD player, that had been hidden pretty damn well. I couldn't see it anywhere, but I defiantly could hear the music playing.

Andy Griggs, voice sang crystal clear. _"I like blue eyes, hers are green. Not like the women of my dreams, and her hair's not quite as long as I had planned. Five foot three, wasn't tall, she's not the girl I pictured at all in those paint by number fantasies I've had. So it took me by complete surprise, when my eyes got lost in those deep green eyes. She's not at all what I was looking for, she's more."_

Familiar faces were gathered. My brothers, Jackson and Jacob were accompanied by my best friend Mya. Brenna, was making her way to stand next to a group of high school friends. Everyone was dressed in there Sunday best, starring wide eyed as Joshua and I moved toward them.

Julie, Phoenix, and Ginny, stood off in there own group, away from my family and friends. It seemed as though they didn't want to be here, surrounded by faces they didn't quite care for. I was uncertain to why they were here anyway dressed in Church attire as well.

A quick glance to Joshua with questions surrounding my face, I was hoping for answers, when all he said was, "Cold feet little Sis?"

_Like that helped, great answer dickhead._

Fury built up inside me, I was ready to explode and have a temper tantrum if someone didn't tell me what the fuck was happening. People just smiled at me, like I was the center of a joke I didn't hear. Joshua's eyes glinted with a small speck of water.

_Was he tearing up? My macho man brother showing emotion? What the hell is going on?_

I was dumbfounded, what was his problem, this is so not funny. I just wanted to crack him upside the head. What ever he found funny and emotional at the same time, was at my expense, and I didn't like the tone of his face or his attitude. I shot him a look of puzzlement in anger. Apparently the cat got his tongue, because he didn't answer me.

He simply turned my face away from his, pointing in the direction our feet were going. All the answers I so desperately wanted, I found ahead.

There _he_ stood. My prince charming. The man who had walked through hell for me. My night in shining armor five feet away. His eyes were wide and curious. They were lit up like the fourth of July. Glittering, shining, smiling at me. I have never seen the expression on his face before. Happiness conceivably but this was a overwhelming sense of happiness he displayed. If he had been blind, seeing for the first time through new eyes, this would have been the face he showed now.

_He_ lowered his head, briefly running his hand through his hair, blushing. His face lifted back up, with folded lips shaped into a smile I couldn't resist. The hold this man had on me, he knew how to push my buttons, and he knew how to reach in and touch me with only a look. He knew how I would falter when he looked at me in such away. What was he trying to do to me?

Blood rushed up to my cheeks, adding a light pink color to my skin. I believe my face now matched his, both of us blushing.

When the song ended, Joshua stopped. A medium sized man in a navy blue suit stepped out from around the corner. My mouth flung open as if to say some sort of smartass remark, but nothing came out, as the butterflies in my stomach fluttered. I tried to speak, but my voice refused to leave my throat.

A strange low voice came from the suit's mouth, "And who, gives this bride away?" Joshua placed my hand in my soon to be husband's and replied flatly, "I do."

_What the fuck!_

This explains a lot. Joshua's emotions were now clear to me. He was handing me over to his best friend, giving me away. Letting me go to start a new life. The tear more than likely was triggered by the thought that I would no longer need my big brother anymore. My protector.

Tears came from nowhere as they normally do, my feet refused to move. My heart was skipping beats and my hands were now trembling. Cold feet, ha ha, I get it now. If I had been a little bit brighter I would have caught on a long time ago.

_He_ widened his smile, literally taking my breath away, If I didn't faint through this I'd be doing good. Moving the free hand, gently taking his fingers he touched my lips for me not to speak. He was trembling also, as shaking came from every part of him. I wondered if he had gotten the cold feet. Was it to late for him to realize that he was making the biggest mistake of his life? That after this, it'd be death do us part? I hope not.

Slowly he moved his fingers away from my mouth, outlining the side of my jaw, working them down to my neck and cupping my chin. My body became uneven, I wasn't sure I'd get through this without falling. Goosebumps began to rise in places I didn't know they could as he brought up my chin and leaned down to kiss me tenderly on the mouth. Than he hesitated, considering maybe if this was a mistake or if he'd be committing a sin. Not sure about the sin part, that wouldn't have mattered to him as we sinned many times before this day. That would only mean, this was it. My prince, got cold feet. _He_ wasn't here to save the day.

I always knew a man like him would never settle for me. Not a girl from the other side of the tracks, not someone like me who had nothing to offer. We had nothing in common, therefore we could never agree on anything other than sex. I didn't deserve him, I knew it, and now he did too. I went to turn away.

His hand still cupped my chin, than he let it go, dropping his hand to his side. He moved his face away from my mouth and lightly kissed my forehead. He peered deep into my eyes smirking. Did he just do something funny? Was I the punch line and unaware of it? Some days you just wanted to strangle him. Meeting his gaze, a relaxing feeling came upon me, and I was lost. It only seemed to be him and I here.

The voices fell silent, the faces drifted away and the suit vanished. We stood standing hand in hand, starring at each other, never lifting our eyes away. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze, as his smile froze to face unable to move. I was marrying my soul mate. The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, rather I deserved him or not. The only man I wanted to wake up next to, to make love to, the man I have dreamt about since I was a little girl. I was going to marry my other half, the half that made me whole. The one thing I couldn't live without, there'd be no future without him in it.

"_Wake up Elyssa," my friendly little sang. "You fainted, you're dreaming, he isn't real, this isn't real. If you don't wake up, this is going to end badly for you."_

Arguing with myself again, this wasn't me fabricating, this was reality. This is everything I hold dear to my life. This is real. Everything in the last sixteen months had been a nightmae, a dream, I was sleeping than, I'm awake now. There is no life without him, this doesn't hurt. Everything else had been a glitch in my mind. It doesn't matter anymore, he was here. I was with him, the way it was always meant to be.

_He _was standing here next to me, keeping his word. Committing his life to me. Signed, sealed, delivered.

Happiness washed over me, my friendly voice didn't bicker anymore, and I had won. I was right. I was whole again, my heart didn't bleed, didn't cry for him. I didn't feel any numbness, only joy. All life returned to my body, each part functioning, working the way it was intended to.

A soft, silky whisper said the last words I needed to hear. "I do." Sealed his undying love to me, a promise I knew he meant from every depth of his soul. I knew as soon as he said it, he truly did love me, and that he would forever.


End file.
